Ever since my dad died, or even before my dad died I’ve been always wondering if I was bipolar, or ADHD but I’m still at odds with both. I have my mood sw
ings, some manic episodes, feeling dull all the time with only 1-2 days of feeling really good. I almost figure I’ve always had both of these disorders but I don’t know if they coincide with one another. I figured it was a way of life, but I’m thinking that it is not proper, and I soon need to do something about it.
As a kid, I used to want to always want to be with the others playing hockey, chase, or just belonging to a group. But it has always been hard for me to do things like this because I’m so introvert, and self-conscious that it really inhibits to way I do everything. Remembering even as a young kid, I remember being very similar to how I am now just a bit more manic. Nonetheless, my childhood was spent mostly all to myself playing with toys I had, listening to music, and not really experiencing any social activity. I think it’s because my parents were over-protective, and didn’t allow me to breach the barrier. Even today my mother has to tell me how to do things, but it’s what mothers do best.
As an adolescent, and adult it is much the same. But, it’s really in my own hands right now because as being adults we’re all responsible for our own actions. Whatever faults, or successes we have we’re akin to doing so, but why hasn’t there been successful change representing anything great, or ambitiously deserving?
In grade school, from 1 to grade 12, I always had a learning problem. I was set in a program where the teachers passed me without any effort. I hated it, I would have liked to fail, and redo what needed to be done while absorbing essential skills being taught because today, they are quite slack. I can’t do proper math, I think my math skills are probably of grade 6 equivalent, reading a book while properly absorbing the information is hardly possible. Following rules and regulations are hard. I just can’t handle it anymore. I hate hating this estranged life, I want to be happy.
It’s always deemed challenging to be normal, to have friends, to go out with friends or to stay in a comfort zone where I can laugh and be laughed at. I don’t know why, but it’s something I’ve been accustomed to, and it is not quite deserving. I hate everything about how I look at things. I feel a distaste with almost everything I do. It’s always negativity, always the polar opposite of what people think which makes conversing so bad and distorted, that I can’t at all talk with ease and stay on one topical discussion to elaborate reciprocation. Is it a lack of thought, or social caliber, or has it been developed yet? Will it ever? Walking down the street, doing things out of my comfort zone like meeting people has been always hard. I’ve never really had a reciprocating relationship with anyone. Maybe to my dog, but that’s about it. Even with my mother it is hard.
With being ADHD, or knowing that I have an extreme case of it, I would be at ease and I would look for a solution to it. I want to move on. I want to be able to reciprocate with people, read a book properly, allow all of my attention to one thing and be able to elaborate on whatever subject it is. Discuss what I want to do in life without thinking many things at once. Prioritizing would be my main goal and be become successful. I have never been successful at one thing. I can’t enjoy the things that I once enjoyed. Thoughts, and moods keep switching, it’s all becoming too manic to deal with. I want to be a good reader, photographer, artist, worker, and spouse to my future girlfriend and hopefully I will marry. Remembering and elaborating on what things I’ve learned and loved. I don’t want to make compulsive choices like I do almost everyday. For example, tonight I spent $15.60 going to a bar to listen to some music. I didn’t even get to listen to any bands. I felt like an impostor that had no friends. Everyone had their group of people, and me being the only one without anyone felt ridiculous. So, before the bands started playing, I walked back downtown the way I came, and went home.
Even now, I can’t set my priorities, or keep align with sleeping or have a proper schedule. I need change. Everything is tough to do, but I want to do something about it. I want to be happy. So, now it’s 5am — I need to be to work at 3pm, my only shift of the week with little sleep. Last night I slept a surprising 12 hours, and it felt great. Only if I could do that every night.
What do you think? Do you get the same feelings? Are you ADHD, or bipolar? I need your help to convince myself to get this checked out. I hate being stubborn. Maybe I should just give my doctor my blog address so he can read what I’ve written, or at least ask him to. There’s no way I can talk about all this stuff, I have no voice, or ambition. This is my only creative output.
Thanks for reading.
Both images are Creative Commons attributed.
Technorati Tags: Bipolar, ADHD, Doctor, University, Social, Psychological, Help, Thought, Darwin, Anxiety, Disorder
For a while now, I’ve thought about going to Toronto for a photography day trip shooting urban photography. Last time, I almost influenced myself to go. But, realizing the city is so big, with different modes of transportation, and so many districts. In actualality, it doesn’t seem so good an idea to just get up and go and hope for the best, and come out safe.
