Ever since my dad died, or even before my dad died I’ve been always wondering if I was bipolar, or ADHD but I’m still at odds with both. I have my mood swings, some manic episodes, feeling dull all the time with only 1-2 days of feeling really good. I almost figure I’ve always had both of these disorders but I don’t know if they coincide with one another. I figured it was a way of life, but I’m thinking that it is not proper, and I soon need to do something about it.

As a kid, I used to want to always want to be with the others playing hockey, chase, or just belonging to a group. But it has always been hard for me to do things like this because I’m so introvert, and self-conscious that it really inhibits to way I do everything. Remembering even as a young kid, I remember being very similar to how I am now just a bit more manic. Nonetheless, my childhood was spent mostly all to myself playing with toys I had, listening to music, and not really experiencing any social activity. I think it’s because my parents were over-protective, and didn’t allow me to breach the barrier. Even today my mother has to tell me how to do things, but it’s what mothers do best.

As an adolescent, and adult it is much the same. But, it’s really in my own hands right now because as being adults we’re all responsible for our own actions. Whatever faults, or successes we have we’re akin to doing so, but why hasn’t there been successful change representing anything great, or ambitiously deserving?

In grade school, from 1 to grade 12, I always had a learning problem. I was set in a program where the teachers passed me without any effort. I hated it, I would have liked to fail, and redo what needed to be done while absorbing essential skills being taught because today, they are quite slack. I can’t do proper math, I think my math skills are probably of grade 6 equivalent, reading a book while properly absorbing the information is hardly possible. Following rules and regulations are hard. I just can’t handle it anymore. I hate hating this estranged life, I want to be happy.

It’s always deemed challenging to be normal, to have friends, to go out with friends or to stay in a comfort zone where I can laugh and be laughed at. I don’t know why, but it’s something I’ve been accustomed to, and it is not quite deserving. I hate everything about how I look at things. I feel a distaste with almost everything I do. It’s always negativity, always the polar opposite of what people think which makes conversing so bad and distorted, that I can’t at all talk with ease and stay on one topical discussion to elaborate reciprocation. Is it a lack of thought, or social caliber, or has it been developed yet? Will it ever? Walking down the street, doing things out of my comfort zone like meeting people has been always hard. I’ve never really had a reciprocating relationship with anyone. Maybe to my dog, but that’s about it. Even with my mother it is hard.

With being ADHD, or knowing that I have an extreme case of it, I would be at ease and I would look for a solution to it. I want to move on. I want to be able to reciprocate with people, read a book properly, allow all of my attention to one thing and be able to elaborate on whatever subject it is. Discuss what I want to do in life without thinking many things at once. Prioritizing would be my main goal and be become successful. I have never been successful at one thing. I can’t enjoy the things that I once enjoyed. Thoughts, and moods keep switching, it’s all becoming too manic to deal with. I want to be a good reader, photographer, artist, worker, and spouse to my future girlfriend and hopefully I will marry. Remembering and elaborating on what things I’ve learned and loved. I don’t want to make compulsive choices like I do almost everyday. For example, tonight I spent $15.60 going to a bar to listen to some music. I didn’t even get to listen to any bands. I felt like an impostor that had no friends. Everyone had their group of people, and me being the only one without anyone felt ridiculous. So, before the bands started playing, I walked back downtown the way I came, and went home.  

Even now, I can’t set my priorities, or keep align with sleeping or have a proper schedule. I need change. Everything is tough to do, but I want to do something about it. I want to be happy. So, now it’s 5am — I need to be to work at 3pm, my only shift of the week with little sleep. Last night I slept a surprising 12 hours, and it felt great. Only if I could do that every night.

What do you think? Do you get the same feelings? Are you ADHD, or bipolar? I need your help to convince myself to get this checked out. I hate being stubborn. Maybe I should just give my doctor my blog address so he can read what I’ve written, or at least ask him to. There’s no way I can talk about all this stuff, I have no voice, or ambition. This is my only creative output.

Thanks for reading.

Both images are Creative Commons attributed.

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At a time where Ubuntu has stated that their next release will use the Microsoft backed Yahoo as default search engine, the Apple iPad release, I’m delighted to say that the Debian Squeeze developers have finally released the 2.6.32 kernel yesterday, January, 27, 2010. I’ve waited for a long time for this time. It’s not entirely official since Debian 6.0 isn’t released yet. You don’t have to compile it anymore, it’s in the repositories for good tidings. I’ve yet to figure out what has been improved, and hasn’t really made much of a difference in my opinion. The boot time might be a little faster, but I could be wrong. I’ve been using Jaunty for the last few weeks.

I told myself I was going to wait until spring to install Debian again but, someone mentioned that they were installed the 2.6.32 kernel in Squeeze, and I got really excited, so I had to install Squeeze again. So, I took out 2 hours of the night to install Squeeze just to have the 2.6.32 kernel.

I need to learn how to use “Apt-Pinning” which lets you mix and match stable, unstable, and testing repositories in Stable, or Testing. Whatever Debian Codename you use. Doing this enables you to get the latest packages available without running Sid, if you’re running the distribution; Debian. But that doesn’t say you’re still safe. you’re quite vulnerable if you run alpha packages like that since you’re not officially running Stable. It’s always good to install stable software just because of the up-to-date security. Since there’s a transition period coming up this spring when Testing moves to Stable, and Sid(Unstable) packages go to Testing and further development goes under way for Sid. There’s no name for the upcoming Testing phase.

Am I right by saying, when the next LTS is released; Ubuntu will be using Yahoo? Bring on the conspiracy theories! Well, I don’t really expect any, has Yahoo been fully bought out?

Looking at the Twitter trending topics, the iPad has been marketed well, and I think Steve Jobs has successfully done what he intended to do. Naming a phone tablet an iPad, leaving reminiscence all over the sphere. Look at the pictures floating around on the tube. Hopefully it gets hacked soon, and we can see how Linux runs on it.

So, until I know what is new with the Debian kernel, I guess this is it on these subjects.

Keep your stick on the ice.
(Yes, Red Green is an awesome Canadian)

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For a while now, I’ve thought about going to Toronto for a photography day trip shooting urban photography. Last time, I almost influenced myself to go. But, realizing the city is so big, with different modes of transportation, and so many districts. In actualality, it doesn’t seem so good an idea to just get up and go and hope for the best, and come out safe.

Astray like a dog, cat, rat, mouse wandering the streets of the Toronto downtown core sounds like an awesome, very intimate idea. Viewing things in your own perspective, seeking out the refuge of first-hand photographs that you’re not accustomed to seem to produce always entices one to reach new levels while being happy about it. It’s like a little kid in a cake factory looking at all those chocolatey goodness, but without all that chocolately goodness. I could see myself wandering around, and immediately getting lost resulting in panic attacks, freaking out where I could not find my way back.

This reminds me why I need a GPS-enabled phone, or device to figure out where point A and B exist, and where B meets ups with A again. People can just negociate parking in a busy area and have your car right by you at all times, but where most people drive, I do not. I don’t have a car, nor a license. Locomation will be my travel of choice for the day. Leaving the Hamilton, GO Station in hopes to arrive at Union Station in Toronto in one peice, coming home relatively the same way but in a happier mood of achievement.

Anyone reading this, have you ever done anything like this and actually got around easily? Would you do it again, meet some people, have a good time? Last night while trying to figure a plan out for today, I didn’t realize how cheap it was to get to Toronto from the GO Station, but the joke is on me seeing how big the city is, and how much everything is so spaced out. I’ve never taken a subway, or TTC. Those trolley cars seem so interesting, so MASSIVE. Let alone that transportation, I’ve never taken a GO train anywhere. It’s all a new experience for me.

If you interested in meeting up, or know of a group of photographers who would like to go out and take urban photography, it would be awesome! I’m not at any specific skill level. I shoot with a Nikon D50, have a couple Nikkor lenses, a couple film point and shoot cameras. I’m just getting sick of Hamilton, seeing the same old things. Maybe it’s the OCD in me, but I’d rather go somewhere where I’ve never been. If I can travel to Toronto, and back for $20 — I might as well take the opportunity.

I also encourage you to join the Zooomr Zest group for Hamilton, Ontario. Zooomr is, truly, a nice experience. Technorati

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